It's all (Not) Relative

One of the most surprising things about grief is how difficult it has become to relate to other people.

Truthfully, I am not the most... how shall I say... social advantageous of girls. I am awkward, and I don't make friends easily. I'm usually invited to various events and gatherings, but I tend to avoid them: not because I am shy or dislike my friends, but because I know there will be alcohol. I drink sometimes, but I have a mental block against being in a large group of people, surrounded by liquor. The smell of it reminds me of so many bad moments, and I simply can't do it. For me, it's not about just not drinking, it's about not exposing myself to the smell; to the atmosphere; to the inevitable drunkenness. The mere thought makes me melancholy.

As a result, I haven't had a large group of friends since high school. Both undergraduate and graduate student culture is centered around drinking (or at least meeting in bars), and so I have had to distance myself. It's lonely sometimes, but I truly enjoy staying at home with my husband and my dog. Some of my favorite moments of the last two years have been spent simply snuggling on the small couch with the two of them.

Yet, since my dad's passing, I have found it increasingly difficult to relate to anyone (besides my husband), because I have it in my head that no one understands what I am going through. And I know I am not the first person to lose a parent, and I am not the first person to lose someone she loved very, very much. I can just no longer comprehend things that used to matter to me so much. I hear my students complain about having to wake up for an 8:00am chemistry class, and I wish with all of my heart that such a problem was mine. All of my friends in school right now are busy studying for our Master's Exam (a test I have had to push back by six months because I could not imagine taking it right now), and I envy their stress and worry. I wish I could take the test; I wish I could graduate with them, but I can't do it. I just don't have it in me.

Perhaps more than anything, I wish I could go back to the person I was when I was planning my wedding. I made myself sick with worry and stress over things that seem so insignificant now. I would give my world to worry about having four bridal party members drop out... instead of having to face all this.

I don't mean to say that all of these complaints I have mentioned aren't legitimate concerns: they certainly are, and I am not trying to insult anyone I may know who might stumble across this thing. I just wish we could trade places: not forever, but just for a moment.